June 11th, 2020 By: April Griffin
I sit here, not even sure I have the energy or desire to write this. I’m tired. I’ve been going hard for so long, I’m not sure if I can remember what real rest feels like. I try. I try to pull away, to rest, to unplug. I do my best to follow the best tricks about saying no and being intentional with my time. Yet here I sit, feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.
There is so much to be done, so many unknowns, so many unanswered prayers. I don’t know where to even start today. So I sit, desperate for peace, desperate for a big God moment where I know exactly what to do, yet nothing has come, yet. I know God hears me, I know God has a plan, but in the depths of my struggle my heart still cries out, “Where are you God?!!”
My family is in the middle of another PCS.
We have had the wonderful blessing of being in one place FIVE years. Five years of stability and familiarity. Sure, it’s been hard here but it’s also become home. I know where the best groceries stores are, I have a stylist I love, I even have a dentist I trust. My family has made the most wonderful friends. Sure, many friends have moved away in these 5 years, but God has continued to provide us with new, wonderful friends.
I'm not sure how we're even going to leave this place. I can’t even go there right now.
I find myself caught in place of not being here nor there. My mind continuously thinking (worrying) about all the unsettled details of our new home. Will we find housing? Will my husband like this job? Will I find friends? Will our kids thrive in the schools there? Fear easily consumes my already weary soul.
I’m not sure how we will do this or if I even have the energy to do this, again. So here I sit, determined to press forward yet weary and not sure if I have enough energy to get very far.
The only thing I can do is pause, take a deep breath and exhale, attempting to release the tension in my shoulders. In this brief moment of silence, I close my eyes and pray, “Jesus, I don’t know where you are. I don’t know why I can’t see you moving, but I still believe you are good, and I trust you. Don’t let me fall. Help me.”
I’m tired and my faith is all I have.
Deep down in my soul, I know this will work out. I know God won’t let me fall. I know He will show up at just the right moment and amaze me with just how good He truly is.
Today I don’t see Him moving, but faith reminds me that it’s coming. Today I’m weary, but faith reminds me that it’s His strength that pulls me through. He will provide. He always has, He always will.
So, I just keep walking, I just keep moving and I just keep praying. God’s got this. He never once has let me fall. I’m tired today, but soon I will rejoice. Soon, I will see the goodness of God. Soon, this will be a thing of the past and I will be stronger for it. Soon.